The last few weeks I have found it a bit strange to think of what our life would look like had I been able to carry Peach Pit full-term. I would likely have left for Thailand several weeks ago, spending my days drinking Starbucks and waiting. I don't know if Jacob would have come the whole time but I know he would have joined me by now.
A few days ago I held Sokunthia in my arms. She is the daughter of one of Sak Saum's girls. She was tired and crabby and I did my best to quiet her. As I rocked her and sang, I couldn't help but think what it would be like to hold my own baby. To understand the fullness of carrying a life inside and then marveling at the tangible flesh and blood -- my flesh and blood -- within reach, waiting to be kissed, loved, prayed for, nurtured, and on and on.
Yesterday Jacob said to me, "It's hard but what might have been is not." At the time it struck me as harsh sounding. But it really isn't. It is the statement of acceptance. What might have been, what could have been, what should have been...isn't. Instead, new life and renewal issue forth in unexpected ways each and every day. Healing has come and continues to come.
I couldn't have said that with full sincerity several months ago. Even though Peach Pit had gone on to heaven weeks before, something inside of me had continued to grow...an emptiness, lonliness and despair that seemd to expand in my heart as each week passed. Then one day, in the company of a friend, a raging cry of anger, pain and sorrow spilled out. The dam broke and after the flood, there was plenty of room for God and peace.
There have been hard days since then but they are days walked with the certainty that our baby is with the Lord and that He loves our child because it is His nature to be FATHER and CREATOR.
And all of this brings me to today. Today would have been our due date. Instead we will go to the market, grocery shop, make dinner, start to prepare for our trip home...normal life stuff. In some ways, I feel as though I should have some profound revelation to share in light of today, something that will encourage others on a similar journey or tie everything into a neat, theological bundle. But I really don't. What I do have is the word of God and I love resting in the truth that His words carry far more weight, power and life than mine.
Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.
How thankful I am for the firm, secure hope of God which leads me to a deeper place.