Well here we are. Bangkok. We arrived earlier this week and after settling into our short-stay apartment, touring the hospital and connecting with our doctor, we began the waiting game. And it turns out that the waiting game isn't all that fun or exciting. When will Caleb come? We don't know! Within the next 3 weeks we will have a baby but we aren't sure the day or time.
It has surprised me a bit at how difficult this time has been. I can safely say that having a baby in a country where no one knows who you are is not my favorite. I have felt so incredibly vulnerable, lonely and homesick. Last night I was ready to get on a plane and head back to Cambodia. I miss Cambodia. Leaving felt like leaving half my heart behind.
People have said, "Enjoy this time. Rest, read and relax." I want to but there has been a restlessness in my spirit due in part to the anticipation of what's ahead and, in part, to the unknown of it all. Yet last night as I tossed and turned in my bed, I felt the Lord counsel me to be a good steward of this time. There are gifts and lessons to be had in it if I can quiet my spirit long enough to hear. And then this Scripture dropped into my heart:
Isaiah 30: 15 - This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."
So this morning I was up early. And as I read the entire chapter of Isaiah 30, conviction entered in. This entire section of Scripture is about finding help and refuge only in God. The Israelites were constantly running off to Egypt and Pharoah looking for security, trying to self-protect rather than rest in HIS protection. At one point God says, "Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall...that collapses in an instant." Yikes! Oppression, deceit, sin...all leading to instability and insecurity.
If you have walked through any measure of significant heartache in life (and most of us have), you likely know how easy it is to build the high wall. It is not natural in our flesh to trust what our eyes cannot see and lean into what cannot be felt with the hands, only with our spirit. It can be terrifying to open wide and lean, trusting God's hand to hold you.
And yet that is what God requires. Yes requires. He is a jealous God and He requires total dependency...total wholeheartedness.
Caleb's name means wholehearted.
How interesting that God would be stripping me of my personal Egypts and Pharoahs during this final preparation for his birth. My security is not in Jacob, it is not in Cambodia, it is not in this baby or a dear little boy, it is not in family or friends, it is not in things and money...it is God. Wholehearted, no plan B, no other option or source -- God alone.
My prayer this morning? God, I repent. Birth wholehearted trust, wholehearted dependency, wholehearted faith, wholehearted lack of control, wholehearted rest...Accomplish in my spirit what I cannot do in my own flesh. And help me choose THIS way over my own every day.