First, I want to say thank you for all of your love and support over the last couple of weeks. Across an ocean and many time zones, we have felt so cared for and thought of. Grateful is the word that comes to mind over and over when I think about you. We are so blessed.
It is a bit difficult to describe what it is like to be pregnant. There is a rich hope and expectation that is quite unlike anything I have ever experienced. There is also a sense of responsibility, an awareness that your body is growing another human being. Even in such a short time, it called forth this nurturing warmth in me that felt so natural and beautiful. It is a bit like having a secret...the best kind of secret...shared between you and a little being who does not yet know you but relies on you for its well-being. Wow. Incredible.
Even in the midst of the pain, loss and disappointment, I have found myself thanking God for the gift of being pregnant. Sometimes I can't get my mind around the fact that He designed me to carry life in this way.
And so, just like pregnancy is difficult to describe, so is losing a baby. For me, it has felt like a sudden emptiness. As my womb emptied, it created an expanse in my heart where love and hope and anticipation had been woven together. There will not be another first pregnancy. That has come and gone with many wonderful memories and quite a few tears.
I know God is my Healer. I have experienced Him this way many times before. I will again. I trust Him and share my heart with Him completely. He is able to speak truth and life to me like no human being can. He listens to my anger and hurt. He KNOWS me. I love that about Him.
So as I walk through these weeks, however long the process takes, I wanted to share a few thoughts I have in the midst of still processing:
- I will always remember PeachPit as my baby who craved ketchup. That is the one "food" that consistently sounded good in the early days.
- I believe that there will be other babies. My grieving heart cries, "But I wanted to hold and love and know THIS one."
- I loved watching Jacob so excited to be a dad. He would talk with PeachPit and took so many steps to make sure I was taken care of and that we were preparing well. I am so blessed by him.
- Seeing pregnant women, babies or even young families creates such a bittersweet ache of longing in my heart. Painful but I want to be a woman who rejoices with those who rejoice and mourns with those who mourns. I need God's help for this...
- Sometimes I feel like I failed my baby and my husband or that my body is broken. I know this is not truth but it likes to creep in. Prayer helps replace its lie with reality.
- I miss being pregnant. I miss PeachPit...a lot. At the same time, I have moments (amazingly) where I feel excited about being pregnant again one day. I call this HOPE. =)
So welcome to my head and heart. Hopefully it wasn't too personal. Thanks for listening and sharing this journey. If I could, I would give each of you a big hug and say thank you in person for being you.
With love and joy,