I am rapidly approaching the halfway mark of my pregnancy -- I can hardly believe it! I find myself excited and a bit scared about the prospect of delivery and the host of new things to be learned. Wow...the depth and breadth of this new season is a bit daunting at times -- I feel fully aware of how much I don't know.
And in the not knowing, I am discovering a fair bit of pride and independence. Truth is that I don't always like not knowing how to do something. In fact, I REALLY don't like it. When I was a little girl, I had a horrible bike accident while learning. I vowed (something we must be careful of) to never ride a bike again. Those words and the fear behind it remained strong enough to keep me off a bike for another 8 years. But one day I got tired of feeling embarrassed at not being able to ride bikes with the neighborhood kids. So early that Saturday morning I crept to our garage and found my 5 year old bike (I am sure I looked ridiculous!). I started in the garage, hands sweating and heart pounding. As my confidence grew, I moved to the driveway and finally to the street. When I took off down the road with my hair flying, the freedom I felt was exhilarating. I taught myself to ride a bike at 13 years old.
Now I find myself approaching a season of life that is fully uncharted. I have never done this before and sometimes I am scared. And it causes this internal wrestling to want to be independent. I can figure it out. I can do it on my own. I have had to learn other things this way...I can do this too. But this is not God's way. I know it's not. I probably could but He didn't set up life to be lived like that. Sure, I taught myself how to ride a bike but how much better would it have been to have the support, knowledge and encouragement of family and friends? A silly example? I don't think so.
Life is full of bigger-than-us moments and situations. Are we going to muscle through in our own strength? Or fall into the arms of God, let down our walls, and allow ourselves to be seen and helped by Him and others? I know what I want to choose. I also know independence feels so much safer and so often wins the day.
Every day I get to be a part of Sak Saum and In His Steps -- a ministry birthed out of bigger-than-us situations and sustained and grown by the grace of God. It is a miracle of faith and dependence. That's what I want more of in my life, in my marriage, in my mothering -- the journey that says, "I can't. I won't even try on my own. But with YOU leading, I can and I will...one step at a time."