That title probably sounds strange, doesn't it? How can you call a place home and feel uncomfortable at the same time? I've been asking myself that question the last two days since we arrived back in the good 'old U.S.A. It was so great walking off the airplane and being welcomed by friends and family -- there is nothing more inviting then people you know and love. At the same time, I felt angst. Angst? I'm still processing this one. Why in the world would I feel angst coming back to a place that was familiar, where my family lives, where I've always known comfort before? I guess I don't have all the answers yet, obviously, I'm asking a lot of questions. I can speculate and come to sort of conclusion based off what I've been told and maybe what I feel inside. Not to state the obvious, but I have been gone for a year, away from my own culture, friends and family, but I still can't put words to the strange feeling I have inside. Culture shock? Maybe.
I also find myself struggling to drum up patience for odd circumstances and find little things getting under my skin that never really did before. Ah! If I let these things drive me crazy, I don't think it would take long. I don't want to focus on things that seem negative, but I'm unsure of what to think. God surely knows where I am, though. At the end of the day, I can be assured of one thing. God is my source. He is my source for everything and I know that my peace and comfort come from him. Inside, I feel steady when I lay my angst at his feet. When I shift my focus to Jesus and away from trying to figure my feelings out, I win. Satan loses. I know that the devil would love nothing more than to ruin a time of rest and refreshment. He would love to sour Noelle and I's calling to Cambodia. He lurks for easy prey. I'm not going to be manhandled by my enemy - he's been conquered already.
Update on 3/21
I was going to post this blog a few days ago, but I hadn't found a picture yet. As I was reading back through it this morning, a few days later, I think I see a little more clearly. My emotions are a little more subdued since our arrival, thanks to jetlag wearing off and time with family and friends. We've even been to theMILL and church which were quite refreshing too.
With all that to say, I'm still feeling this undergirding desire to go back to Cambodia. Cambodia is where my heart is, and I think that's good. But explaining it to people is more difficult. I think a few understand - but most everyone else look at me with a perplexed look, I wonder why he wants to go back already...
All I can say is that I'm thankful that I'm not coming home with much relief! Our home is in Cambodia with the people we love and serve everyday. Sure, there are challenges that don't make living in Cambodia easy, but we rest in the knowing that God has called us. Having a home abroad creates this tension between our family and friends here in the States and our family in Cambodia. Granted, our family in Cambodia aren't blood related, but they are people that have invested in our lives with great depth and we have invested in theirs. That makes them family to me.
I do love my family. My family in the U.S. have been supportive and behind us moving to Cambodia. They sacrifice too in ways often unseen. They are giving up the ability to simply jump in their car to visit their son and daughter or having quick access to grandkids, etc. Instead, they get behind us and say, "go."
Even in the past week, I feel as though I've been able to process this past year and what it feels like to be in America once again. In my mind, however, there is much to work through, so we look forward to process with friends and family while we are here.